it’s 1 am, I should be sleeping, but I’m sitting here instead. I haven’t updated this blog in a long time. much has gone on since the last time. so much to update on, to remember, but I’ll start with now.
I still miss my dad allot, that is normal I’m told, it never goes away. I would hope not…
Gosh, I don’t even know where to start, there are days I don’t think about him at all, and there are days like today when something reminds me and I get very sad and grieve all over again.
It’s still not real sometimes. I was just laying in bed and I was thinking how can it be real, how can my dad be dead? He should be well and at home with my mom, in the basement watching TV, or at a bowling alley bowling or watching a horse race, or playing cards. dead? no, it can’t be real. then it sets in that it is real. it had been a few months since I had a real hard cry.
I took my kids bowling today. I hadn’t been in a bowling alley in quite some time. I was with some other friends and their kids. And I was fine. I was just watching as I can no longer bowl because of my knees, but I was fine and being in a bowling alley seemed fine, I didn’t really think twice about it. until one of the people I was with yelled out to his daughter where to hit a shot. Then the time warp began. I used to be quite the youth bowler, well I was a young teenager I guess, I had bowled since I was a little kid, my dad enrolled my in a youth bowling league, and I got to be pretty good, had a “coach” and everything, we would participate in provincial and national tournaments. My dad was always there, proud of me. Anyways he would always stand in the back and if I didn’t know where to hit shot to get a spare I would turn around and he’d tell me where to hit it. “Hit the wood high, Tina, just above the red band” I could remember it like it was yesterday, like it was still today. that’s when it seems so unreal. I feel like I could turn around right now and he’d be there telling me where to hit the wood.
A few years ago….umm 2 or 3 or somewhere in the middle, I went to counselling to try to figure out some stuff about myself…anyways my counsellor was terrific, helped me undiscover allot about myself, allot of things I needed to work through. One area that came up of course was my upbringing…not going to go into all of it right here and now, but one of things he (counselor) talked about was that some events that happened in my life were my dad’s fault. Something about me not getting enough attention or not being made to feel special and girl need tat. I argued that my dad spent allot of time with me and took me everywhere he went. He argued back saying “where did he take you that you wanted to go?” that it was about what he wanted to do and he just brought me along. At the time I said “ooh yeah, your right” But do you know what? He was not right. no, no he wasn’t. Wanna know why, well I’ll tell you why. Because…those things were what I wanted to do. they were pretty much all I knew. I laid in bed tonight thinking about that, then I thought, well what exactly was it that I wanted to do that he didn’t take me to do? I couldn’t think of anything, not one single thing. I wanted to bowl, and not only did he just take me to the bowling alley when he was bowling, he followed and put much much time into my bowling career (I know that sounds funny, but we took our bowling quite seriously) He took me to practice, all around Atlantic Canada to tournaments, he was my coach, my cheerleader, many many many hours. that’s not selfish, that’s not selfish at all. Same with the horse track. I loved horses, I still do, I wanted to go, I wanted to learn, I helped, I did everything to take care of our horses. I got old enough that I went on my own. Not selfish at all. And when he was just home for a night, in the basement, watching TV, I’d go down (this when I was a little kid, well elementry schoolish) and I would just hang out down there with him, sit on the floor and play my barbies, or curl up on the couch with him. He never told me to go upstairs, never told me he wanted quiet or alone time. He literally took me everywhere. How many parents do that? I’m a parent and I don’t take my kids everywhere, to hobbies or to hang out with my friend, no, I need my alone time I claim, need me time. He didn’t take “me” time, he took me everywhere. How is that selfish? that’s what I want to know. So my counselor was wrong wrong wrong. My dad was not selfish!!!
I never got to tell him that he was the best dad ever, because I’m only realizing it now. Why did I have to realize it after he was already gone? that’s not fair. Maybe he never knew how good of a job he did, maybe he didn’t know how much I appreciated him, or how special he was to me. I didn’t get to tell him.
At the funeral home, at the visitation, people I didn’t even know would come up to me and tel me how much my Dad would talk about me. I was the apple of his eye, they said.
I just want him to still be here so I can tell him what a good job he did as a dad. And even though he wasn’t there all the time because of his job, when he was there, he was an amazing father, so patient, never got annoyed with me or tired of having me around every waking minute…..I just want him to know that.
It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. It will never be fair.
I thought I was doing ok with it all. I was processing all my feelings, I was grieving “well”. I don’t think I am ok. ever since my dad passed away I’ve held on to my own children tighter, and now it’s like I’m afraid to let them grow up and stuff. it sounds silly but it’s real in my head. Regan started a new daycare this week, and she starts kindergarten next week, well this coming week, and I’m beside myself. Anxiety attacks and all. I thought I was going to have a breakdown on Monday, I couldn’t function, I didn’t even know my own phone number. I couldn’t do anything and I had so much pressure in my head. it was scary. I got through it, but just the thought of her going off to school next week has me in absolute panic. I don’t even know what I’m scared of. I can’t really describe it. So I went to the doctor, and he put me on medication. I didn’t want to go on medication. But I know it’s true, I need it. I think I’m…depressed…and the anxiety attacks have been getting worse over the summer…not to mention the paranoia. what’s wrong with me? And work…I’m torn and tormented. I love my job, and I’m committed to it and my career but my hours right now mean that I won’t see Regan at all, so I’m thinking of going to a night shift…*sigh* I don’t want to work nights, been there done that, don’t want the T-Shirt…I don’t want to do it, but it means I’d be home after school….how can I not be here after school? I have to work Regan’s first day of school, I won’t be here after school. What kind of mother isn’t there for her child’s fist day of school? I’m torn and tormented.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Happy Birthday Dad!!! I’m sad that I can’t go visit you.
Filed under: In the present
What the? I had the weirdest dreams last night, 3 of them. About my dad. that’s wierd. I very rarely dream, much less remember them. wierd indeed.
Dream 1) This one was the most comforting, I dreamt that my dad was dying again, but I think we were in the hospital anyways, this time I was right there and told him it was okay to go, and it was peaceful. I woke up afterwards and once I got over the strangeness of it, it gave me comfort because maybe that was my way of knowing that he did indeed know I was there and wanted him to be at peace.
Dream 2) this one is wierd and if it has a meaning I don’t know what it is. I guess it occured in the past because my dad stiill drove a truck, long haul, and he left for his run, but then he was lost, as though a tractor trailer vanished in thin air, no one had heard from him or could find him….I don’t remember the ending.
Dream 3) this one is the most heart breaking, again don’t know the meaning. I’m not sure the whole time or era of this one, you know how dreams can be messed up like that, cause I was an adult and had my family but my dad still looked like he did in his 50’s I’d say, but he had been sick…he had alzheimers and then he was normal again, his normal self, and I remember being so happy and thankful and crying and thanking God etc, then he was driving truck again, and I went on a trip to Montreal with him because I wanted to eat at a restaurant in Quebec. (no I don’t remember which restaurant) After I woke up I was so sad because it wasn’t true. 
(
So those are my dreams…wierd eh? Any thoguhts? anyone out there analyze dreams?
I’m really missing my dad today. It’s not fair.
Filed under: writings or publications.
Filed under: An account of the first week
It’s been awhile since I’ve written about the details of that morning….it is getting hard to do, but I have to do it. It’s an important part of my grieving process. I make myself go there, think about the hard things, feel the hurt and pain, it’s the only way to properly heal I suppose.
So after I realized she was right and there was no pulse….the first…oh I’d say a minute, maybe a minute and a half was shock I think (even though it was expected) because I didn’t feel anything I just kinda stood there….then I fixed his head on his pillow because it was off to one side and pulled up the blankets, then the tears started flowing, just as they are right now. I stood at his bedside balling my head off. My mom just stood there not saying anything. She doesn’t do well with emotions. I kinda feel bad for her. She says emotions in public are a sign of weakness. If that’s the case I’m happy to be weak. But she deals with things in her own way, and I support her in that, I just hope she does deal with it and doesn’t ignore it and let things build up, could be why she’s always so stressed because she doesn’t let out emotions. Anyways…
I stood there for awhile I guess….then I told mom I would give her a few minutes alone, I thought maybe she would let the tears come if I left the room and left her alone for awhile. I went into the livingroom and collapsed on the couch. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Shane’s blackberry. He answered half asleep, I gave him a moment to wake up then I said “He’s gone” I had a hard time getting those 2 words out. We hung up and I sat in the living room starring out the window crying for about 5 more minutes and went back to the room and curled up in the chair again. My mom was still standing in the same spot i had left her in.
A few minutes later, around 5:30, the head nurse comes in (the care worker called her after discovering the lack of pulse). She is a familiar and comforting sight to me as I worked for her for 2 years in one of her other homes and always had a good relationship with her. She hugs us both and goes to the bedside to confirm what we already know.
She goes out to call the funeral home. Some families like to leave before the funeral home comes, others stay and wait and they need their loved one to leave before they can, as closure. I fall into the second category. We sat in the room and chatted about my dad and his journey and his time he spent with them at the home.
I finished my glass of water and walked out to the kitchen to place the empty glass in the sink, as I was walking by the front door I saw tail lights backing up towards the door. My heart jumped and I froze. I quickly walked ran back to the room in half a panic. “The funeral home is here, and I’m not ready” “I need a minute”. The nurse and my mom left the room and I approached the bedside once more. I said my goodbyes. I know he was already gone, but I believe in my heart he knows I said good bye. I said I love you, I’ll miss you, but I had already missed him because of the disease, and that I knew he was with his mom and dad and meeting his older brother for the first time (my dad had an older brother that died as a young baby), and that I knew he was at peace and I was happy for him. “I love you Dad”
I walked out of the room, a big pile of tears again and told them I was ready. My mom went into another room as she didn’t even want to see him bring the stretcher into the house. I needed to see it. So I stayed. I stood just inside the room and the man from the funeral home (Ian) asked if it was okay to bring the stretcher in, I said yes. The nurse told him I wanted to help, that I worked for her before and had seen that being done before. It was true, I had, I have to admit it’s a little alot different when it’s your own father, but yes I was used to being around persons just after they passed so maybe on some level that did make it a little easier for me.
Ian postioned the stretcher beside the bed and was lifting from the left side, the nurse was on the other side of the bed lifting the right side, now for her, she had to reach across the bed, I stood at the head, just supporting his head for the move. I appreciate this next part. It made me laugh, I appreciated that laugh right at the moment. I’ll need to give you a bit of history at this moment in order for you to appreciate it too. With Alzheimer’s disease it’s common for people to not understand whats going on around them, and get scared and sometimes be a little verbal or aggressive. With my dad, you always had to move slow, and explain gently what you were doing, i.e., helping him up, shaving him, bathing, getting dressed. Any quick movements or jarring him at all would result in you getting cursed at. Did this have a bit of humour to it. So as I mentioned the nurse had to reach across the bed and she didn’t quite have enough of a grip because as they lifted him her grip slipped a bit and he fell back onto the bed (just by an inch or so, we didn’t have him moved at all, just started to lift). She said “oh sorry Cedric” then smiled and said “good thing he isn’t alive” I laughed and smiled and said “you would have just got cursed at” we chuckled. I appreciate that moment. We then moved him onto the stretcher and my smiles were once again were replaced by tears as I followed the stretcher out of the room and watched as he was place into the back of the vehicle.
We made arrangements to meet later that morning to make arrangements. (arrangements to make arrangements, that sounds funny), then Ian left with my Father and there was no further reason for me to stay there. So I guess it was time to go home. I could go home now, because he was gone, I culd have never left with him still there. My mom was still in hiding somewhere in the house, I found her, we said our thank-yous and good-byes and went out to start and scrape off our cars and go to our homes.
Filed under: writings or publications.
My cousin Kevin and myself both got up and spoke. I just wanted to share some things about my dad and speak about my relationship with him. It was short, as I didn’t want to be there for long. Here’s what I wrote and read:
From as early as I can remember I went everywhere my dad went when he wasn’t on the road working. If he wasn’t on the road he could usually be found at the racetrack or the bowling alley usually with me in tow. Once I was old enough I would go trucking with him in the summer. I loved to spend time with my dad and I missed him a lot when he was away. I remember sometimes when I was young I would cry when he would go to get into his truck. And I remember watching out the window vigilantly when he was expected home and running out to his truck to greet him.
My father had many good friends. He was very social and outgoing and had a playful joyous personality. He loved being around people, his friends and family.
He loved and enjoyed his grandchildren, although just a few years after his first grandson was born he became sick. He started to show signs of Alzheimer’s disease in 1998, and it’s been a long hard road since then. Our family has been grieving his loss for several years now as we watched helplessly as the disease took more and more of him away from us.
Once it became to difficult too take care of him at home my mother regrettably had to place him in a special care home. He lived at ProTem Heath Services care home for the last 15 months of his life and his personality shone through right til the end. He would tease and playfully torment the staff. He always made them laugh. I believe he was happy there.
I was going through photo Albums the other day to put together a collection for the slideshow. Pictures from when he was a baby, through every decade of his life. It brought back so many good memories. The pictures of my baptism, I had never seen them before, and he had such a big smile and was looking at me with so much love. My father was never a man to show a lot of emotion but when I look back at the pictures it’s hard to find one of him that I’m not in too, and when I look at the ones when I was little I can see in his face how much he loved and cherished me. I love you too dad and I miss you so much.
I want to thank everyone who helped us over the last few years, thank-you to anyone who went to visit him even though he didn’t remember you, it meant a lot to my mother and I. Thank you to the staff from ProTem for your excellent care, I can’t think of a better place for him to have been. You are truly angels.
And thank you everyone for coming today to celebrate my fathers life with us.
Filed under: writings or publications.
Cedric Nison Colpitts
1938-2008
Cedric will be sadly missed by his wife of 43 years, Donna (Ferguson) Colpitts, Moncton; daughter, Christina “Tina” Morningstar (Shane), Moncton; four grandchildren, Brandon, Devin, Kyle, Regan, all at home; brother, Wayne Colpitts, Penobsquis; sister, Muriel Carpenter (James), Penobsquis; several nieces and nephews; stepmother, Irene Colpitts, Penobsquis.
Visitation at Ferguson Knowles Funeral Home, 1657 Mountain Road, Moncton (858-1995), Wednesday, 2 to 4 and 7 to 9. Funeral service, St. Andrew’s Anglican Church, 105 Elmwood Dr., Moncton, Thursday, March 27, 2008, 1:00 pm, Rev. Rob Salloum officiating. Reception following the service. Interment, Elmwood Cemetery, Moncton.
In Cedric’s memory, donations to the Alzheimer Society of Southeast New Brunswick, NB Heart & Stroke Foundation or a memorial of choice would be appreciated by the family.
Filed under: In the present
Its been 2 weeks, Not that I expected that I’d be completely done grieving in 2 weeks, but it’s still surreal. Is that normal? Every once in awhile, ok several times a day, it just hits me “OMG, my dad is gone” and I get like a pain of hurt, then I go through the anger of him getting sick so young. That still happens every day. I get so sad when I think about how much he enjoyed life and how unfair it is that it was robbed away.
Filed under: lyrics or Bible verses
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Filed under: Uncategorized
This is an account of my fathers death, my true uncut raw emotions, what i was thinking and feeling.
I know I’m not the first person on the planet to lose a loved one, and I won’t be the last, but writing helps me. I need to write. I need to articulate exactly how it happened, exactly how I felt. It helps me process,. So be prepared for the uncut honesty that is too follow.
